Top Shelf Charlie

In my adolescence I developed an nasty habit of glancing up at the top shelf in newsagents and magazine shops. This, of course, was all due to the sorts of pornographic periodicals that were on display. This habit has never really left me.

Having eventually seen a lady with no clothes on for real, I have kind of lost interest in their erotic nature (the magazines not ladies) and am more fascinated by who on earth buys them (honest).

Today, for instance, I was queuing up to buy an envelope (honest) and happened to glance upwards. On sale was "Dirty Grans". On the cover was a grimacing grey haired lady with legs akimbo. As I stepped up to the till I noticed that shop was staffed entirely with Grannies. You have to admire the steely eyed porn-consumer that has the guts to march into this shop, roughly pull down a copy of "Dirty Grans" and buy one whilst staring a not-so-dirty old gran in the eye? Takes some doing I imagine(honest).

This reminded me of a time when I was queueing up in a typical small asian newsagents in Ealing (honest). It was run by the usual polite upstanding Sikh family. As ususal, as the man infront of me paid his paper bill, my eyes were drawn upwards.

This time, rather than magazines, Mr Singh had invested in some tasteful vidoes to titilate his customers. There were only two to choose from: "Biker Sluts" and my personal favorite "Full of Cream".

What got me thinking was that at some point in the month the Rep for these videos must turn up and something like this must happen:

Rep: "Can I interest you in any more titles from our rough rider collection Mr Singh?"
Mr Singh: "Yes Mr Carruthers, but can we make it two 'full of creams' this month as we can't shift the 'Biker Sluts' for love nor money"

Anyhow ... back to the Java (Honest).

Let those with option declare cast the first stone

Sometimes we in the blogging community can get a bit pompous and say things like:

"Oh god, had to fix some code today and it was just terrible. I mean it had no comments and option declare was not set. What's more it was all functional and all the code was in a huge script library called Ken's routines. Yadda yadda."

I for one have posted similar stuff, perhaps even the odd cartoon.

In hindsight this is all horse shit. Why? well we have all at sometime, when learning our trade, written convoluted, dreadful cheesey software; some of us even wake up in cold sweats and think: "OH GOD WHAT IF THEY ARE STILL RUNNING FLANGE V1.0"

To paraphrase the Bible:

"Let those with option declare cast the first stone."

Hell I think I am ready to testify.

[The curtain at the back of the stage opens revealing Areatha Franklin and a gospel choir who proceed to sing "Precious Lord amazing grace". Monkey Programmer Boy exits stage right to thunderous applause]

Bored

Bonus Track: On a package show in Buffalo ..

Now on a package show in Buffalo with us and Kitty Wells and Charlie Pride
The show was long and we were just sittin' there
And we'd come to play and not just for the ride.
We drank a lot of whiskey so I don't know if we went on that night at all.
I don't think they even missed us, I guess Buffalo ain't geared for the Dukes of Uke.

Country Honk.

Are you hanging up your stockings on the wall?

A touch early ...... but Dukes have gone festive.

Merry Christmas Everybody.

Including real sleigh bells.

Man's greatest achievements

Man's greatest achievements are:

1. The Moon landing.
2. Conquering Everest.
3. Monkey Programmer boy managing to get a test paid via the "you pass we pay offering" from the Blue Meanies.

To be honest the YPWP support people in Ireland were very good.

The Uke-enator

Seeing that I am a rough tough fighting uke player from the hills, who's running shine and looks mean I decided to get me a resonating metal uke. How hard is that? I'm nails me. I guess this makes me the Ukeanator.

Five Stars on Amazon

Ukeing in the 21st Century

For the latest Dukes of Uke recording sessions Luke went and bought a copy of CuBase SE music production software, which at £100 is a absolute steal. Lukes got a Powebook G4 too, so this week we decided to go technology crazy - sort of Tangerine Dream with ukuleles ..

Here's a screen grab of the cuBase project:



and here is the result, our prog-rock version George Formby's Leaning on Lampost

Tonight Matthew I am Alan Minter

After a few long days in London I was on my way home and was walking up the main drag to Paddington station. As I rounded a corner a pair of chavvy looking 16 year olds walked into me, one of them was clearly looking the other way. Suprisingly he gave me a stare and suggested I apologise. I refused, and then what I can only describe as a dust up ensued.

Suddenly after 30 long years since my last fight with Graham Wiggins in the playground (he had looked at my crisps in a funny way) I was up on my toes and delivering roundhouses like a good-un. They spat at me and tried to throw a can at my head but from the looks on their faces I could see that they hadn't anticipated meeting Smokin' Joe Spug the Swindon Southpaw.

After a few seconds it was over and they retreated, as did I. In hindsight it was all a bit foolish. Paddington station is not a place to pick fights with people as even the nuns carry knives; not to mention the fact that had I hurt one of them I would have probably got nicked for assulting a minor. In future I will try and stick to my ususal technique of bursting into tears and pleading with them not to hurt me as my mother is sick.

Still, exciting none the less; a thrilla in manilla a rumble in the jungle .... Spuggy BOOM-BI-YAY, Spuggy BOOM-BI-YAY.

Tonight Matthew: I am Alan Minter.

Lessons learned

Heres a couple of things I learned today:

I'd forgotten about the Static keyword. Its come in rather handy. Three cheers for the static keyword.

Never, I say NEVER, chop chillies and then scratch your private parts.

With a hip baby

From Tuesdays London Evening Standard. A guide to what is hip this year.

Swinging with the Dukes

More uketastic-ness from the Dukes of Uke: Chinatown My Chinatown