You are what you eat

M'chum Rubbery Chapploe and I have been discussing diet lately, here are his measured thoughts on Atkins and the like:

Of course when I was child they told me that in order to be healthy I needed to eat eggs, butter, red meat, cheese, bread and potatoes. They also told me that a diet of vegetables and fruits would be lacking in all sorts of essential stuff. In fact in those days there was a vital food group that seems to have disappeared in recent years. Along with carbohydrates, fats and proteins came the far more important food group of “goodness”. I believe Cadburys fudge fingers still contain traces of it but due to modern farming methods and European standardisation of things and that and stuff, it has been almost entirely removed from the food chain. That wee pinched old Scott off the telly with the celery soup and the poo fetish is patently suffering a severe lack of goodness (and man fat) in her diet. Goodness can be reintroduced into the diet through judicious food combining (a bit like the Arthur Asky diet that Crispin is on except for its total oppositeness to it). For instance that pork pie is OK if you have the pickle too. And the cake? Gotta have the cup of tea to wash it down. Chips? Ok as long as you have the salt and vinegar to break down the badness and to produce goodness and possibly even traces of bifidus digestiven if the wind is in the right quarter of your nutritional chart. If you have it with fish and mushy peas as well you’ve had almost an entire day’s recommended intake of goodness including (in the peas) a healthy dose of “greens” which is also an essential thing for stuff. As a result of this insight I demand my own television program and access to that bird off breakfast time telly with Dermot Mergnihan and that bird (who is that bird off …. Etc and so forth).